A little explanation, you say? Well, you asked for it...
As you may or may not know, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in the summer of 2004. Since that time, I have had a lifetime and then some's worth of ups and downs related to my health and overall well-being. I was on LITERALLY every medication available for my condition save those that I was allergic to, to no avail. I finally had surgery to remove my large intestine in the fall of 2009. Whatever God's plan was, he kept me safe and got me through recovery, and I'm living an essentially happy and healthy existence at this point.
So why the imminant doom of impending death? Well, it may be a bit of an overstatement, but then, I am occasionally prone to hyperbole. This last week, I had a TB test performed to get clearance to continue to work in kindergarten classroom through APU's TAP program. (redundancy occasionally helps clarify for you grammar police). The process goes something like this: they give you a shot of a small amount of serum containing chemicals that are indicators for TB exposure into a little ball underneath the skin of your forearm. Two days later, those chemicals have had time to work, and if there is no redness/swelling, you have not been exposed to TB. If however, you develop what's called an induration (read: fancy word for a bump, not unlike a mosquito bite in texture and appearance), then depending on how large it is, you could have been exposed to TB at some point. It looks something like this:
Now, this isn't a positive test for actually HAVING TB, but it is positive for exposure, meaning that your body's immune system has encountered it at one point. If you test positive for TB exposure, the next step is to get a chest x-ray to make sure that there is not active TB in your lungs. I am asymptomatic, so I don't think I have anything to worry about necessarily, HOWEVER......
Even if you are cleared based on the x-ray, you can be put on a course of antibiotics that lasts for 6-9 months. Which I have no interest in doing, especially since said antibiotics are hard on the liver, and I have already had to deal with liver toxicity issues thanks to earlier courses of drugs for my colitis.
My test, according to the lady in the "health center" (read: glorified school nurses office where you may or may not get seen by an actual nurse) was negative, though I did develop an induration of 10mm in diameter. This, according to my mother, who is ACTUALLY a nurse, is considered a positive, and the lady in the health center doesn't know what she's talking about. Sometimes, I really love my mom and her ability at once to reassure me and scare the living hell out of me. She of course followed this up with a "Don't worry about it, we'll just retest you over break and if you're positive, you get an x-ray. NBD. I don't want you stressing about it."
Yeah, thanks.
So while I sit and wait for that lovely test to happen again, in all likelihood followed by a chest x-ray, I have ONE MORE thing to worry about.
For a while during my colitis treatment, I was on a medication called remicaid. At the same time, I developed massive swelling and completely random and unnecessary bruising on my feet and fingers. That looked like this:
You get the picture. It sucked, would happen at random times, and made it so that I had to walk with a cane for several weeks because of the pain in my feet. I was told that the medication that I was taking was causing "medication induced lupus, which in turn was causing lupus induced rheumatoid arthritis". I was also told that if I stopped the meds, the swelling would stop. It was true! : D The swelling indeed stopped once the medication did.
This would be the happy end of an obnoxious, but now over story, EXCEPT:
Now, more than a year and half after surgery, I am still testing positive for ANA, which is a rheumatoid arthritis factor in the blood. Why, you ask? I HAVE NO EFFING IDEA.
The reason that I know this is because I had a blood test to check for it, thanks to pain in my tailbone for no apparent reason.
This was initially thought by me and my family to be a recurrence of what is called a pilonidal cyst, also called "Jeep's disease" due to the prevalence of these cysts on WWI and WWII soldiers from riding on the bumpy roads in jeeps who developed these cysts. THIS particular beauty happened the first time about 2 years ago now, and let me assure you, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is not only embarassing (lots of strangers with nametags ask you to take off your pants and bend over), but incredibly painful and tedious to treat. There is alot of gauze involved. (no pictures for this one, you can google it if you're really that curious)
So when this pain first showed up again this past Christmas, I was worried that it was a reoccurence of the cyst, which can happen.
I went to the doctor, and they ordered blood work and an x-ray, and decided that it was not a cyst, and because I had not injured myself to cause this pain, they ordered the test for ANA. It was positive.
As a quick wrap-up: Even though I had a horrible disease that ended up causing incredible pain, weight-loss, weight-gain, emotinal trauma, and finally took major, life-altering surgery to cure, I could still have rheumatoid arthritis and tuberculosis.
fml.
And then I read this:
"And he said to them, 'Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?' Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm." - Matthew 8:26
I really can't explain my fear when I remember that my God is the same God who created me and everything else. "Mighty fortress" is quite possibly my favorite hymn of all time thanks to the Promise Keeper's conference in the 90's at the Oakland Colusseum. (If you've never heard a recording of thousands of men singing mighty fortress together, find one. it will change your life and your whole view of worship music).
A mighty fortress is my God. He never fails, never quits, never takes a day off, and more importantly, he LOVES me in a way that I cannot even imagine. So why am I afraid? I guess my answer would have to be that I am a very fragile, scared, lonely human being who is so held ransom by sin and fear that I cannot allow my Savior to do what he does best- save. I'm working on it, though, and I am using this season of Lent to really try and allow God to help my fear.
"I believe, help my unbelief!" -Mark 9:24
I am choosing to end with the lyrics to mighty fortress and a youtube recording of the last half of the song. It's amazing. Let yourself see God as your fortress this week, as I try to see him the same way.
"A mighty fortress is our God,
a bulwark never failing;
our helper he amid the flood
of mortal ills prevaling.
For still our ancient foe
doth seek to work us woe;
his craft and power are great,
and armed with cruel hate,
on earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing,
were not the right man on our side,
the man of God's own choosing.
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus, it is he;
Lord Sabaoth, his name,
from age to age the same,
and he must win the battle.
And though this world, with devils filled,
should threaten to undo us,
we will not fear, for God hath willed
his truth to triumph through us.
The Prince of Darkness grim,
we tremble not for him;
his rage we can endure,
for lo, his doom is sure;
one little word shall fell him.
That word above all earthly powers,
no thanks to them, abideth;
the Spirit and the gifts are ours,
thru him who with us sideth.
Let goods and kindred go,
this mortal life also;
the body they may kill;
God's truth abideth still;
his kingdom is forever."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhlnProP8o0
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