And what have we learned today?

Well, maybe not today, but in the last several months.

I have had some upheavels and some big changes and learned things about myself that I am really happy about, and some that I am not so happy about.

Since I believe in fair warning, and I am also trying to learn to benefit from other's mistakes instead of insisting on making them myself, here are some things that I have learned.

1. Stevie Wonder radio on pandora is ALWAYS a good choice. ALWAYS.
2. Moving on is not about forgetting something so much as it is about allowing it to become a part of you in a way that allows you to continue going forward.
3. The idea of 'no regrets' is short sighted and naive. Learning something does not mean that you should have done what you did. You probably could've learned it another way, or better yet, you probably already knew it and you just ignored that.
4. There may in fact only be one person for everyone out there. I haven't completely switched camps on this, but I have decided enough people were not for me to begin to believe that the pool is perhaps smaller than I previously believed.
5. Your family will drive you crazier than anyone else, but they are still your family at the end of the day. Cherish the days when things are going well, be angry on the days that they aren't, but never stop loving.
6. You don't have to have an abusive/neglectful father as a girl to have a father who totally screwed you up. As a matter of fact, you can have a GREAT father and still have major daddy issues that you need to work through.
7. Prefessional therapists are perhaps some of the most valuable members of society today. At least mine is.
8. Seeking professional help does not make you crazy. It makes you smart and humble enough to know you need help sometimes.
9. People are more important than money, but your view of money will define your view of people.
10. Online dating is weird. It's funny and interesting and entertaining, but mostly it's weird. I like to talk to people in person. Also, I have no interest in the 42 yr old construction worker from Boston who sent this to me, but if this sort of thing appeals to you, you can find him on ChristianMingle.com ;)

I have also learned that God has far more grace for me than I usually allow myself. Actually, that's not true. God ALWAYS has more grace for me than I allow myself. And he shows it in a million different ways, usually through other people. From my therapist (who won't take my crap, but also thinks I'm awesome), to the wonderful, romantic, Jesus following man I've been seeing who knows some of my more severe shortcomings and still told me that I get to wear white. For us girls, this is a powerful image. I don't care if women wore blue before Queen Victoria- white is pure, clean, and blameless. White is the color of virgins, of girls who don't drink too much and don't smoke and swear and girls who never hooked up with an ex in a cheating, cross faded haze. I have pondered this fact more than most, and I know that this young man's words were not really his, but were Jesus, wrapping me up in a warm fuzzy daddy/big brother style hug that I need so desperately, reminding me that I am clean and without blemish because he says so, and HE is king, not my mistakes.

On the same token, I have seen myself (usually after the fact) being used as a vessel of grace and forgiveness for other people. I have been able to look at the mistakes of those around me with a much greater amount of mercy than I would have been previously capable of. I no longer draw some of the now seemingly arbitrary moral lines that others do- because I have to believe that people are redeemable and can change if they are convicted and transformed by Christ. If this isn't true, then I am screwed...

I still hold convictions about things being right or being wrong, but I have begun to see the world in a softer shade of grey, as it were, where people are concerned. While people are still selfish and are still, at thei base, not good creatures apart from God, I see now that more often than not, people really are just trying to do the best that they know how to. And I can take some respite in this idea.

As I continue in life, as I grow and change and (hopefully) mature, I know that I can count on the people I love, and some people that I haven't met yet, to challenge me and my ideas, heart, and convictions so that I slowly become more and more like the person that Christ made me to be. And that fills me with hope.

They do not love that do not show their love

I am thinking today about the nature of love. What does it really look like? Can it be quantified? Can it be measured? Is it like aliens- never proven or disproven, but you can maybe picture what it might look like if you just use your imagination? Or, like aliens because movies have told us what it looks like?

I think it's pretty clear that the greeks had it right- there are about a million different kinds of love. I could write a sonnet about red pepper and roasted garlic hummus, and I have no problem telling anyone who will listen how much I love it and how delicious it is. I love "10 things I hate about you", which, in case you were wondering, is the pinnacle of movie making in the 90's and the SECOND best performance given by the late brilliant actor, Heath Ledger, who I am a little in love with (still). I have a few friends that I have known for almost the entirety of my recallable memory, and I love them dearly. I would give them the vital organs that I still have and would not even have to think about it. I would drive hours and spend copious amounts of money to help them out or get them out of jail. No question. I have a large family including a nephew (by osmosis via my best friend's little sister) who I would actually sacrifice my life for without hesitation. But what about the kind of love that you develop for completely arbitrary people? The love that inspires romance? We spend money and drive ourselves crazy and lose sleep and sacrifice our bodies and our minds for the particular type of relationship that cannot be found or fostered in any other context. What does that really look like in the long run, and is it really all it's chocked up to be??

Honestly, I have no idea anymore. I used to be a die-hard romantic, and in many ways, I suppose that is true. I still believe that people find love, so I guess that means that I "believe in" love, whatever that really means. I believe that ultimately, love is worth fighting for and worth trying to cultivate. But I am truly not sure that I am cut out for it, not sure that I am meant to love, or be loved. I am not a hopeless romantic anymore. Sure, I still get weepy over The Notebook, and babies being born is still the most beautiful manifestation of love and humanity that I can possibly think of. But I really don't know if I am made to give the kind of self-sacrificing, gut wrenching love that is required to really make a relationship work in the long run. My heart is just too fragile. This may sound like a bitter retreat from the world of romance, and maybe it is. And maybe it's just a manifestation of my raising, surrounded by  couples who were committed, but largely not joyful in regards to their spouses. In any case, these are my current, though probably jumbled thoughts on why this is weighing so heavily on me.

The adult relationships that I've had have been mostly unremarkable. Occasionally tumultuous and upsetting and even heartbreaking, but mostly happy and engaging and very normal, even ending in not very exciting ways, though at the time I'm sure most of my friends could hardly stand me for all of my melodrama about the whole thing. But even that is very normal, I think. I have been wounded and hurt by failed attempts at love and even more, building a life together, and I have been changed by these experiences. And while I carry scars, I really think that most of the changes to my perspective have been made simply by the passage of time and the garnering of experience and maturity. I do not blame anyone else for anything in my romantic philosophy. But the older I get and the more often I look back and examine the experiences, the more I realize that my expectations were probably too high, and my demands too unrealistic. I am a brat, and probably a little spoiled. I want the kind of return from relationships that I would be willing to put into them, and I have a very hard time dealing with people who have personality types that are too far different from mine. This is pretty much a recipe for disaster, I have found. Not to be more dramatic, of course.

I know that I still want to try. I am not giving up on love by any means. I think that if I could find someone perfect (you may commence laughing) for me that I could in fact be a really good wife and partner. I know that regardless of my relationship status, I am destined to be a mother. If that means that I end up adopting ala sharon stone/halle barry/ sandy b, then so be it. I am working through school and I think by the time I'm done, I'll have the kind of skills and degree that I will be financially well off, and certainly enough to support a child in relative comfort. This is not to say that I want to be a single mother as my first choice, but I have a back-up plan, so to speak.

I also want it to be clear that this is not a comment WHATSOEVER on the success or lack thereof of sex as it relates to relationships. There have been highs and lows, and I have been incredibly lucky and encountered people who were mostly tender and supportive and patient and wonderful. But sex is only one facet of a really big rock, as it were. It is only one part of real romance, and a slightly smaller part of the greater picture of romantic relationships.

In addition, I am not saying that I'm not in love or capable of being in love. This is an out loud(ish) expression of the doubts and feelings I have about love as a topic and about the eventual success of failure of romantic love in my life. Sometimes I am a bit hyperbolus, and if this has been too much for you, I would apologize, but reading my blog is the farthest thing from mandatory that I can think of, so pppppplllllbbbbbbbbbbttt! :P But if you read these, no matter what you think, thanks for reading. Keep coming back!

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year

It's been over a year (almost) since my last blog. As I sit here, munching on a semi-successful batch of Nutella cookies (thank you pinterest) and vaguely listening to "A Baby Story" on TLC in the background, I am trying to decide why, exactly, it's been so long. I thought for a brief moment that I simply lacked inspiration, but immediately tossed that idea as one of the sillier thoughts to have crossed my mind recently. I've had MORE than enough inspriation. Loads. Craptons (a very scientific unit of measurement, I know).
I would like to think, though, now that I ponder it all, that I have delayed sharing the last year with the world because I know myself well enough to know that I needed to really process and come to terms with everything that has occured. It could possibly be that I'm a big chicken and I didn't want to admit my shortcomings, however. Just maybe.

For those of you who know me, You know that I can be, well, to put it politely, long winded. So, in the interest of transperancy AND brevity, here is a reader's digest update on the last year of my life.

- I moved to Glendora and promplty began and then proceeded to end and begin and end and begin and pretend to move on from and then relapse and then actually come to a state of calm about the single most unhealthy relationship that I have EVER had in my entire life. EVER EVER EVER. I was told by a professional, Christian therapist that smoking pot was a healthier behavior than continuing to try and see this person. While there is a book I could write on the possible (probable) personality disorder issues that this person is or isn't dealing with, I'll just leave it (him) at that (for now. possible future blog to come). Through this process, I managed to experience the highest peaks of joy and intimacy and laughter coupled with the lowest trenches of rejection and loss and depression, all in about 5 months or so. It took professional therapy and the love and support of many people near and far with immense amounts of patience for me and my insanity to finally be able to move on and deal with all of the emotions involved.

- I spent hopefully my last full year at school as an undergrad, and met some amazing professors and had some really great experiences and my current school plan is to go to grad school somewhere in the central valley and be a professional family therapist.

- I had some amazing roomates who taught me lots of things, including but not limited to: shake out your bath towels before you dry off because you never know when a pregnant spider is lurking in it, making tents in the living room with bedsheets in harder but more epic in your 20's, passive aggression is so NEVER okay with me, and I can be kind of OCD about cleaning. So sue me.(had to include Baker in her own photo because she wasn't at drama awards last year)

- I was involved in a show that required some major review and buttressing of my ASL skills, and I am now reasonably fluent in my signing, and I couldn't be prouder. Also, I met one of the most amazing girls I've ever encountered who is a big help and a guide to the deaf community, not to mention sassy and smart and killer beautiful and funny and everything awesome.

- I tried eHarmony. I actually kind of liked the experience, and I appreciated the prompt customer service that I got when I was having any kind of (always self-induced) tech issues. I met one person and went on a few dates with him, and he was sweet and kind and a great guy, but ultimately not for me. I am glad I had the experience, though, and would recommend it to other people interested in trying online dating.

- My little bro is 18, and it's unbelievable. He's tall and hairy and all man-shaped and still generally a child, but little by little is turning into a pretty cool guy. I'm very proud of him.

- I moved about 80 times this summer, with the end result being I have new roomates in pasadena that I send rent to and will actually be co-habitating with come the border between August and September. They are the real life will and grace and I love them both and can't wait for them to be big movie/theatre stars and be able to say that I knew them way back when.

- I'm moved back from LA for the summer and taking a math class from a young, reasonably good looking man who is mormon and boring (exclusive traits, I assure you) and kinda sort of tried to hit on me until he figured out I had a boyfriend. So mormon and boring, but also honorable.

Other than that, it's been a normal series of comedies and errors. There will be more to come, and opinions to share, but I won't take a year to post again. PROMISE :D